If you follow my tweets or facebook posts then you know what happened to me Friday morning. Around 3:00 in the morning a slight ache in my left side woke me up. It quickly escalted to the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It literally brought me to my knees. My wife, Alisha, wanted to call the ambulance, but I didn’t want to wait that long, so I practically crawled to the car. At this point I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me, just that it felt like my body was shutting down. I was paralyzed with the pain. When we finally got to the hospital, with my wife driving through town like a bat out of he’ll and me writhing in pain in the back seat, she ran in to tell them that her husband was in severe pain and that I was too big to get out of the car by herself. They came out, decided to try to get me out on the side where my feet were, and then seemed to scratch their heads on how to do that. I had already opened the door on the other side, so I said heck with it and crawled out of that side. They rushed around to me and finally got me into the wheelchair. Once inside I got a look at the two who had my life in their hands. A security guard and a male nurse. The guard had us stop at the self check-in station and started asking me questions while Alisha parked the car. I could barely open my mouth, and this idiot was trying to figure out the computer. “gee, something’s wrong. It won’t enter the info. I wonder if the system is down.” Tweedledee and Tweedledum seemed to lose interest in me and focused more on the computer. At this point the f-bombs started to fly. My opening salvo started with “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?” and I believe also included something about “fuckety fuck fuckin fuckers”. This is when the othersecurity guard and more nurses started wandering over to ou area, and the decision was made to take me to where they could get my vitals and then check me in later. Good decision. Until the nurse from he’ll came in to draw blood. Somebody had already pissed in her cheerios and she decided to take it out on me. She took out a needle that looked like you could shoot a basketball through it and told me lie flat. No. I wasn’t moving. I was still paralyzed. She kept trying to twist and push me back, but I was too stubborn and too big. She finally rammed the needle in my left arm, the only one available to her. In an pissed off tone, she announced that no blood was coming out, that she stuck me perfectly and nothing was happening. She then takes a small pitcher and hangs it on the fingers of my right hand, which was attached to my right arm and tucked underneath me, and tells me I have to give a urine sample before the Doc will see me or give me meds. I let the pitcher hang there for a few seconds, then said “I can’t move, F NO!” and let it fall to the floor, where she just looked at it and then walked out. Alisha told them that I had a very high pain tolerance, and for me to be reacting this way meant that something was very wrong, and they should give me something quickly. More f-bombs were flying through the air, and I believe I scored a few direct hits, because a Doctor that seemed to be just walking by stuck his head in the door and said “give that man some Dilaudid, he’s in severe pain!”. Thanks Doc. Well, that wasn’t immediate, so I waited in agony while several nurses tried to get me set up. Finally the Dilaudid arrived, and I watched the male nude shoot two syringes into my IV. I felt the drug wash over me, a weird sensation. The pain was gone almost instantly, and I could finally lay flat on my back and relax. That is some kind of great shit, I’m telling you. No pain, nada. An hour later I passed a stone the size of a sesame seed, and I couldn’t believe that something so small could take me down so hard. They let me go at 5:45am, so the whole thing last less than three hours, but that was the longest time of my life. The doc said that more will follow, so I am going to work on my cussing, just to mix it up. I don’t want them expect the same old thing out of me every time I hit the er.